If this is either “Heaven” or “Hell”, I am a Ronin

Originally posted May 8th, 2018

Continuing from last post…

May 2nd, 2018

Either this is “Heaven” or “Hell”. I don’t know. And I do not know if I can go back and forth. I need a motorcycle. More or less. To explore and push limits.

Could the people here control everything because everyone is not aware of truth?

Although I have been celibate for a while now, recently I can’t take my eyes off of women, but trying best not to approach. Drinking a lot. Looking for place to crash on Friday.

6:00 PM

I’m at a bar on beach for first time. I would bet this is a US embassy bar. And I would bet the US embassy staff know who I am, thus in essence I am “camping” this place out. I want to figure out who can read my future and how. How they do it. How to stop it. I see the past as future and future as past. Is it from my writing? Do I need a tin-aluminum foil hat? Is it impossible to stop? Why so many lies?

Uncovering lies and exploring can give meaning in life.

One theory may be that the “two sides,” if there are two, is “forward-thinkers” and “backwards-thinkers.” I don’t know. Maybe.

What is point of life? If I’m alone or solipsistic? To enslave me? How can I break out? Through patience?

Also been eating unhealthy as can be. As I truly don’t give a fuck anymore. Funny actually.

If forward and backward thinking is equal, I have a right to exist. And yet I question if I exist. I see this time as existing before and somehow I have been “thrown in.”

If I am singularly unaware, am I making the rest of the population miserable? What would be the point of “limited consciousness?” If they are the victimizer, and I am the victim, I forgive them. If I am somehow the unaware victimizer, and they are the victims, can they ever forgive me?

Present moment may be all there is. IDK!

Two questions:

1. Did someone try and get me to kill myself? Again?
2. Why can’t I smoke?

Reread “The Landscape of History.”

Possible timeline:

1. Book flight home — Look at flights.
2. Find room until then — Call Old Jaffa.
3. Print out F’s book.
4. Go talk with advisors M and E? Or ask to setup meeting before?
5. Try and sell bike or leave it as is?
6. Look up Anita in Sarona.
7. Go home, work to buy motorcycle, pay off debts, find literary agent. Buy typewriter, rather than computer.
8. Write Runaway series for older adults or elderly people. Don’t go easily. Meditate and runaway. Die used up. Die an “orphan” away from family.
9. Write a “Pokemon Go”-like series where some people are buried alive. People find them on apps and digg them up to free them.
10. Write a fiction epic. Forwards and backwards. Up and down. Black hole sucking all in!
11. Write a series only for brail-readers as a giant f.u. to non-brail-readers and to encourage brail reading. Buy brail typewriter if possible.

Give blood if possible. Grab package.

May 3rd, 2018

This morning woke up at 3:45. Stayed up until 4:25. Not until sunrise. Try sunrise tomorrow.

Everyone is completely silent today.

When I text her, N, she texts instantly back. What’s up with that? Crazy not a single place opened to stay at this weekend in Tel Aviv.

“The Lord suffers for the sins of His true devotees only who are really serving the Lord in practice by doing Karma Sanyasa (Sacrifice of Work) and Karma Phala Tyaga (Sacrifice on the fruit of the work) in His mission, without aspiring anything in return. In such service even one iota of desire should not be present, even in any biological cell of the human being. This is called Nishkama Karma yoga, as emphasized in Gita.”

Hummus. Humans?

Work on stopping thoughts of violence.

Gattis notes: Is he trying to say what I’m experiencing has already happened, and in some way I am documenting it but can if I choose to play a role in changing the course as well? That is, in this world?

May 5th, 18 — Cinco De Mayo

Met someone nice, or multiple people, today. Still feel like I’m doing something wrong. Two girls from China. One from England/France. Going to have a drink later.

Basket for bike. Tie down. Extension on front? Two mini-locks. Tarp?

How still can you stay?

“Practice reading on stomach. Falling asleep. Waking up and repeating.”

Maybe “ascending” and “descending” has something to do with sleep levels.

“A true vision comes to you the right way. The understanding came before the vision — that’s why I was asking those questions. The meaning is there and then your brain supplies the pictures that let you understand it. That’s the way the O talks to us…” — From “The Memory of Earth” by Card

From my conversation last night:

• “I have found fear only because I have stopped thinking in the existence of absolute truths.”
• My greatest fear is perhaps the inability to think or create “original thought,” that there is no such thing as spontaneous original thought.
• Talked a lot about how “I felt I was not supposed to be here,” thus I was attempting to leave no trace or imprint.
• Also about “double intuition/suggestions” or intuition coming from God and the Word being used by alternate entities or man to suggest and control me, which inevitably forces me to rebel against both as I cannot distinguish between the two. “If I get a whiff of someone wanting me to do something I have started doing the opposite or nothing at all.”
• Lastly, talked of “coping mechanisms”, waiting on either a destination to be reached or a “return of the Father/Mother,” or in my case, someone that I considered to be “wiser” or “smarter” than me, or someone who could convince me of anything at this point. Questioning a lot if there is a destination, what I can do to escape, physically or spiritually. Or if there is no possibility of escape.

5:00 PM

I feel a new sense of clarity in Jerusalem. It is like a city of comforting women, and perhaps restless ghosts.

May 6th, 18 — Morning

After she left my dreams turned scary. Only men left in the hostel and lots of them. Dreams of zombies, lots, running and biting. Jumped on a schoolhouse. Climbed my way up. They eventually “got to me”, but I started to laugh when they acted like they could hurt me.

Next dream or previous was me settling down with a girl who I got pregnant. It was going back and forth between an old girlfriend and another who I did not know.

Next dream was my grandfather gave me his old truck, but it didn’t work well. Couldn’t touch the pedals. My brother was with me. Then I was with whole family and we went to meet someone and they tried to drop a lawsuit paper or huge stack of documents on us. But, we all got in his truck and ran before they could finish. Very vivid. And I am hungover for first time in a while. Altitude?

For some reason, never think to find a weapon in dreams to fight monsters. If possible, grab one. (Next day I was given a sword with a wooden sheath in my dream by an unknown figure.)

10:00 am

I attended church service this morning at the Lutheran church of the Redeemer. Was a very nice service. Very humbling. Can give meaning, support, etc. Very therapeutic. Feel some of my aggression passing. Having breakfast now, also found another place to stay at the H Hostel. I asked Jesus to help me quit smoking (not working so far.)

Probably move tomorrow. To fully study and explore Jerusalem I feel I will need at least 1–2 weeks. 45 shekels per night is pretty reasonable. Hard to beat in Israel. My plan for today is to walk around Muslim quarter, exit Lion gate, see if possible to go to Temple Mount, walk around Old City and eventually see Siloam pool. Then go back to hostel to study and rest.

Google: Raveler, Hamurabbi, Copts, Sojourner, notables, and Consilence.

On another note, I am losing my hearing at the moment, and the university canceled my healthcare for no reason. Should I be mad? In essence I am becoming deaf, but I am not really upset as maybe it makes me less suggestible? Fuck all.

May 7th, 18

Been a chill day. In the book I am reading, prayer is self-mutilation. That would make sense with my last month. Fucked myself up real good/bad.

Few questions: Who is aware that we are in a “false reality/Matrix/videogame?” Are there collectives combined by telepathy, single-mindedness who are aware? Are some aware and some are not? What is the point?

Do I care if I lose my hearing? Am I losing it because of a lack of “service”? Do I care as it is also a form of protest?

WWCOEAWLB? WWCOELBFAAWD. (RZC) BOOSOF. FBOISOF.

Go to Muslim clinic tomorrow as it is cheaper.

Should I try and make an aluminum foil inset to my hat tomorrow or is that stupid and worthless?

I feel I am always being watched. Maybe I just need to find a place to just be as boring as fuck and that is how I “get out.”

At least my foot wound/crevice is finally healing.

And it is cool in Jerusalem, almost cold.

What if there are “tons of realities” like the one I am in? Does this help at all? What if reality no longer exists? How was this world created? Must there have been a reality before?

Just seems like an evil videogame where the creators and players have no moral care for the characters within the game. Sad, but true. Maybe spend another few days or so exploring Jerusalem, try to get bike fixed, only take absolutely necessary things and explore West Bank on bike?

Read Bloch’s “The Historian’s Craft”. Read Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time”

If our present moment is a result of the karma of our future, but we see it going “backwards” or “forwards”, must we continue to create and serve or just accept? Is this close?

I like thinking that God “took a break” from the world and left it in someone’s hands and that is how it got to this point. So in some way I am waiting for him to return and make it right.

I also abide in “I am not the one” and “I am no person that has been prophesied.” Believing this in the past has led me to this time.

Dearest Lord,

In a world that lacks meaning or absolute truth, it is up to anyone who can think individually to build individual meaning, and to perhaps develop temporary happiness and truth. If one does not know “how to escape,” either by physical death or spiritual death through yoga and meditation, one must continue to put faith in an unseen force that some, including I, call the Lord. For I do not know what to do, who to trust, who I am, what the true date is, or my true location. Indeed it is a sad time, but I continue to put faith in a power beyond me. I ask God, as well as his sons’ including Jesus, to bring me some sort of peace, salvation, and deliverance. For even I do not know what I want, whether that be life or death, eternal or temporary. I am like a lost ship, not knowing if “dry land” or a “harbor” exists. I have lost my anchor, but know that I am still “floating” and this is “ok” for now. Thank you for your guidance, support, and unconditional love.

Amen

Sight, hearing, breathing, taste. All holes have their opposites. Some stop us thinking. Go big or go home. This is Sparta. Battleship sunk.

I would love to learn how to build or rebuild engines. Fix motorcycles and cars. That would be fun. I just want to be simple. Learn a new craft that is fun, etc.

I would like to bike the US. Make an engine that is loud, but gets good mileage. Maybe create a “push button tent.”

Battling a “Messiah complex” is not easy. K’s father had to do the same.

Start a new blog. Wordpress.

No pictures. Simple. No way to identify me. Good idea. Name?

A New Anchor?

Anchor in the Sky?

BlindHouse?

Originally published on Blind House Magazine on May 8th, 2018